also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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