Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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