can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
