I like my sex mixed with concussions.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
