Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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