my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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