can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
As shirtless as possible
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
