Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
