This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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