Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
