What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
no you cant smoke seaweed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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