just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
