How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
