I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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