i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
