I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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