I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
