omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
farters have to be the big spoon...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
