I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
