I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
