Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
