in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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