I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
