Pappa wants mamma naked
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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