Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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