Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
