theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
