sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
