so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
