My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
