bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
