I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
