i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
