Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
