I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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