The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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