just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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