last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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