I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
