The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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