Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
