so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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