i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
