Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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