dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
