yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize