Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
be right there i have to get my cape
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
