What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
