So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
