guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
