A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
