Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize