Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We had to coat check the pizza.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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