Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
