I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
