sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
