Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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