I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
