She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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