I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is wine microwaveable?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
