I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
