This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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