just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
