I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
