I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
